Random Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by t2raz, Apr 25, 2008.

  1. profdlp

    profdlp Grouchy Old Cuss

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    A guy walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar…

    FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST!

    So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

    Bartender replies “Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can’t make a face while doing it. Second, there’s a ‘gator out back with a sore tooth…you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there’s a woman up-stairs who’s never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.”

    The guy says, “Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won’t do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

    Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, “Wherez zat teeqeelah?” He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face.

    Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.

    The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

    “Now” he says “Where’s that woman with the sore tooth?”
     
  2. tommudd

    tommudd Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

    "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

    "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

    "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.

    "I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"

    "I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."

    The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"

    "No,we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car."

    "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

    "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap tap - but we can't seem to do anything about it."

    "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

    "Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."

    The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?"

    "Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!"

    Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?

    "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."
     
  3. Jo6pak

    Jo6pak Full Access Member

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    A couple gives their identical twin boys up for adoption.
    One boy goes to an Arab family and is named Amal.
    The other boy goes to a Spanish family and is named Juan

    20 years later, Juan finds his birth parents and is re-united.
    His mother laments, whishing she could meet her other son.

    "Don't worry" her husband says, " if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal"
     
  4. profdlp

    profdlp Grouchy Old Cuss

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    This new forum skin needs to be circumcised.
     
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  5. profdlp

    profdlp Grouchy Old Cuss

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    An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Libyan, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a Tunisian, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Nigerian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Ugandan, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Malaysian, a Norwegian, an Argentinian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist, and a South African walked into a nightclub.

    The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai.”
     
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  6. tommudd

    tommudd Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    A rookie police officer pulled me over for speeding and had the following exchange:
    • Officer: May I see your driver's license?
    • Me: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
    • Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
    • Me: It's not my bike. I stole it.
    • Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
    • Me: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
    Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
    • Me: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
    • Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
    • Me: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. I was then quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached me to handle the tense situation:
    • Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
    • Me: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
    • Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
    • Me: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
    • Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
    • Me: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
    • Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
    • Me: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
    • Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
    • Me: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
     
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