Random Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by t2raz, Apr 25, 2008.

  1. t2raz

    t2raz Full Access Member

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    Call in Sick.

    Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today.
    I sick, headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work.'

    The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
    When I feel like that, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That
    makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

    Two hours later Hung Chow calls again . 'I do what you say, I feel great.
    I be work soon..........you got nice house.'
     
  2. t2raz

    t2raz Full Access Member

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    710

    A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

    She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

    The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.

    He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "Is there a 710 on this car?"

    She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."

    This is what she pointed to...

    Pls. click the link.

    http://www.pagetutor.com/jokebreak/images/710.jpg
     
  3. LibertyOrDeath

    LibertyOrDeath Full Access Member

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    They sell them at KaleCoAuto.
    [​IMG]
     
  4. ms5490renegade

    ms5490renegade Banned

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    710 thats a good one.
     
  5. t2raz

    t2raz Full Access Member

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    Nun at Hooters

    A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

    The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place
    would erupt into Cheers.

    However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the Restroom?

    The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.

    " Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

    So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
    After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

    She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand.Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

    "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender,"Would you like a drink?"

    But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

    "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

    Now, how about that drink?"
     
  6. t2raz

    t2raz Full Access Member

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    Catholic Gasoline

    Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, an Exxon Gasoline station was just a block away.

    She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

    She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.
    Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

    As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'
     
  7. LibertyOrDeath

    LibertyOrDeath Full Access Member

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    While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

    His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the Golden Gate

    "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

    "No problem, just let me in," says the man.

    "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. Wha t we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

    "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

    "I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

    And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

    Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

    They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

    Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

    Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

    The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.
    Peter is waiting for him.

    "Now it's time to visit heaven."

    So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours ha ve gone by and St.
    Peter returns.

    "Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

    The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

    So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

    Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the midd le of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

    He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

    The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

    The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."
     
  8. Ry' N Jen

    Ry' N Jen Banned

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    Finger lickin' good!

    What does a nasty woman (HO) and KFC have in common?

    Once your done with the breasts and thighs and only thing left over is a greasy box! laugh.gif
     
  9. HoosierJeeper

    HoosierJeeper Gold Supporter/Admin Staff Member Administrator

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    Nothing like reviving an old thread...but his is worth it...Originally posted on Dodgetalk.com by adamsredlines:


    You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to relieve some gas pressure.

    The music is really loud, so you time the releases with the beat.

    After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

    As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down,

    and that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod...........


    :D:D
     
  10. ranger81

    ranger81 Full Access Member

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    A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment". The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants. His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face. She says "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!".
     
  11. Treyz02KJ

    Treyz02KJ Full Access Member

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    LOL, Nice I needed a laugh, Thanks Ranger81 and wjkj, those both cracked me up.
     
  12. ranger81

    ranger81 Full Access Member

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    your welcome.......nana.gif
     
  13. ranger81

    ranger81 Full Access Member

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    Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure.

    Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.

    As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. In pain she screamed "What the hell did you do that for?"

    Tarzan replied, "Tarzan Always check for squirrels First ."
     
  14. HoosierJeeper

    HoosierJeeper Gold Supporter/Admin Staff Member Administrator

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    Why women shouldn't take men shopping

    Another from Dodgetalk.com......by dmcelhannon:




    After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.

    Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

    Dear Mrs. Samsel,

    Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mrs. Samsel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

    June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

    July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

    July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

    July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, “Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.” This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

    August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M’s on layaway.

    August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

    August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

    August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?” EMT’S were called.

    September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

    September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

    October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.

    October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look” by using different sizes of funnels.

    October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

    October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

    And last but not least:
    October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.”
    One of the clerks passed out.
     
  15. HoosierJeeper

    HoosierJeeper Gold Supporter/Admin Staff Member Administrator

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    The hunting Hillbilly

    This is good-:D (from Dodgetalk.com, CT Dreamin"

     
  16. dlancer

    dlancer Full Access Member

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    Two buddies decide they are going to take the ones boat out on the lake and do a little fishing. They ask there wives if they want to come along. The wives say no but when they return they might take the boat out for a ride. After a couple of hours the husbands return but decide to leave there fishing gear in the boat. The wives take the boat out for a spin. About 20 minutes later a game warden pulls up beside them. He says ladies I'm going to need to see your fishing license. The ladies explain that they are not fishing but are just out for a boat ride, The game warden says well since you have all that fishing equipment I can only assume you are fishing. If you don't produce a fishing license I'm going to have to write you a ticket. The one wife tells the warden that if he gives them a ticket she is going to file a sexual harrasment suit aganist him. The warden visibilly upset yells " Lady I have not said anthing of a sexual nature to you" The lady replies that might be true but you have the equipment on you so I can only assume.
     
  17. HoosierJeeper

    HoosierJeeper Gold Supporter/Admin Staff Member Administrator

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    Good One!!!:D
     
  18. tan's2002kjlimited

    tan's2002kjlimited Full Access Member

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    A woman goes to her doctor's office, to discuss a strange development.
    She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh.
    They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.

    The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem,
    And tells her not to worry until he gets the tests back.

    A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor.

    She immediately begs to know what' s causing the spots.

    The doctor says, 'You're perfectly healthy--there' s no problem.
    But I'm wondering, was your boyfriend that Harley guy in the waiting room?'

    The woman stammers, 'Why, Yes, but how did you know?'

    Tell him his earrings aren't real gold.
    <!-- / message --><!-- sig -->
     
  19. HoosierJeeper

    HoosierJeeper Gold Supporter/Admin Staff Member Administrator

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    This one is lame....

    What's the difference between a pigeon and a British investor???


    A pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW....
     
  20. HoosierJeeper

    HoosierJeeper Gold Supporter/Admin Staff Member Administrator

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    Posted by eatsleepdrivesc: