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' a cowboy appeared before st. Peter at the pearly gates. 'have you ever done anything of particular merit?' st. ...

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Old 07-29-2009, 02:55 PM   #21 (permalink)
 
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'
a cowboy appeared before st. Peter at the pearly gates.

'have you ever done anything of particular merit?' st. Peter asked.

'well, i can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'on a trip to the black hills out in south dakota , i came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman.

I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, i approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face ...

Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground..

I yelled, 'now, back off!! Or i'll kick the sh*t out of all of you!'

st. Peter was impressed, 'when did this happen?'

'just a couple of minutes ago...'
.....
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Old 07-29-2009, 07:15 PM   #22 (permalink)
 
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Once upon a time a man and a woman had a son together. This son wasn't like all the other kids though, he was born without a body. No neck, no torso, no anything except a head. He went through his entire life not being able to do all the things other children got to do. On his twenty first birthday his dad decided he was going to take him out to the bar and have a beer, like a normal father-son.

Well the father ordered a beer, said "Happy birthday son", took a sip of his beer, and then poured the other beer down his sons mouth. All of a sudden the son grew what looked like a throat!!! Shocked the father yelled, "Bartender, two more beers, quickly!". Well once again the father drank his beer, and poured the other in his sons mouth, and he grew part of a chest. "Bartender, keep them coming, fast as possible!!!". Well they drank and drank and the hours just flew by. The son grows into a specimen of a man, 40 or 50 beers later and both father and son are plastered, but all the son needs to grow is one more toe. "Bartender, two...last...beers." They give each other a big cheers, and each drink their beer. Then the son falls over dead. Alcohol poisoning. Moral of the story? He should have quit while he was ahead...
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(slinks back to soft porn thread) AKA Hot Girl Thread - 4 Guys (Keep it work safe)....not all mine either.
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Old 07-29-2009, 07:23 PM   #23 (permalink)
 
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Originally Posted by tan's2002kjlimited View Post
Once upon a time a man and a woman had a son together. This son wasn't like all the other kids though, he was born without a body. No neck, no torso, no anything except a head. He went through his entire life not being able to do all the things other children got to do. On his twenty first birthday his dad decided he was going to take him out to the bar and have a beer, like a normal father-son.

Well the father ordered a beer, said "Happy birthday son", took a sip of his beer, and then poured the other beer down his sons mouth. All of a sudden the son grew what looked like a throat!!! Shocked the father yelled, "Bartender, two more beers, quickly!". Well once again the father drank his beer, and poured the other in his sons mouth, and he grew part of a chest. "Bartender, keep them coming, fast as possible!!!". Well they drank and drank and the hours just flew by. The son grows into a specimen of a man, 40 or 50 beers later and both father and son are plastered, but all the son needs to grow is one more toe. "Bartender, two...last...beers." They give each other a big cheers, and each drink their beer. Then the son falls over dead. Alcohol poisoning. Moral of the story? He should have quit while he was ahead...

Good one!!!!
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Old 08-08-2009, 11:52 PM   #24 (permalink)
 
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Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
********************

Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
********************
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
********************
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
'What have you got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon,
'Pies, you dumb ass' !!
********************

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
********************
Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
********************

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
********************

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
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Originally Posted by tan's2002kjlimited View Post
(slinks back to soft porn thread) AKA Hot Girl Thread - 4 Guys (Keep it work safe)....not all mine either.

Last edited by tan's2002kjlimited; 08-15-2009 at 08:15 PM.
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Old 08-11-2009, 04:38 AM   #25 (permalink)
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Default My old man just told me this one!

A man and woman are standing on a bridge looking down at the flowing water below...
The woman says "Look, a canoe!'

The man replies, " Ah, your crazy! Thats not a canoe...
Thats a reflection of your of your p***y!
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Old 08-15-2009, 02:59 PM   #26 (permalink)
 
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Hi HERE'S SOME ZEN SARCASAM
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tyre.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone 20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windscreen.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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Old 08-16-2009, 12:05 AM   #27 (permalink)
 
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My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.' We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .........You could learn a lot from him.' We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'
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Originally Posted by tan's2002kjlimited View Post
(slinks back to soft porn thread) AKA Hot Girl Thread - 4 Guys (Keep it work safe)....not all mine either.
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Old 08-17-2009, 06:27 AM   #28 (permalink)
 
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A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out,
Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!'

Soon an assistant manager approaches and says,
'Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3.'

The old guy replies, 'Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff.
I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere'

The clerk is astonished.

'Your wife's name is Crisco?'

The old guy answers, 'Oh no, no, no.
I only call her that when we're Out in public.'

'I see,' said the clerk.
'What do you call her at home?'

'Lard Ass.'
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Tom (& Cody,my dog)
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"lots of stuff...but can always use more"

Voted "Official Chick & Cigar Connoisseur"
Originally Posted by tan's2002kjlimited View Post
(slinks back to soft porn thread) AKA Hot Girl Thread - 4 Guys (Keep it work safe)....not all mine either.

Last edited by tan's2002kjlimited; 08-19-2009 at 07:04 PM.
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Old 08-18-2009, 03:59 PM   #29 (permalink)
 
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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show here in Swainsboro. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blond woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!'

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to personally apologize, and the blonde yells,

'You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little ******* on your lap!'

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Old 08-20-2009, 06:57 AM   #30 (permalink)
 
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That's funny!!!
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